Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Like Sands Through The Hourglass...

Exactly one year ago I got pregnant.
And exactly one year ago, I partied my ass off for Halloween.

This year, I have an (almost) 3 month old baby.
And I wouldn't trade her for anything.
But I am still kind of sad.

I didn't get to go out, didn't get to dress up, and I don't even have anyone to feel sorry for me.  I know right, cry me a river.  I'm 31 years old, and I'm mourning over a decade worth of Halloween pasts, because I feel like if I knew the last one would be my last, I may have appreciated it more.  I realize I'm being dumb.

The ghost of Halloween past
I just feel like nobody understands what it feels like to have had to make the best of my situation, and everyone just thinks this it's all easy peasy maternal instincts.  Including my own husband.  Like it's just natural to be in this point of my life because that's everyone's end game, it's what everyone wants eventually, and that I should be grateful for how easy it was to be able jump into marriage, be blessed with a simple pregnancy and the result being an amazingly even-tempered, perfect baby.  But it was never MY end-game and I didn't think I'd ever do this.  And it's not easy peasy.  And it's not because I miss partying.  If the situation was reversed and it was something society doesn't deem "normal" then more people would sympathize with the fact that I too, am struggling.  AND that makes feel guilty for all the parents out there with REAL issues, not the stupid one I'm actually so bold to complain about out loud.  Ugh.  Drama llama.

Anyway, enough feeling sorry for myself.  I don't need anyone to appreciate me, this is my life only, nobody else's.  And I don't have PPD before anyone thinks I'm going to jump off a bridge, I'm just being a baby.  I'll get over it and be on to the next before I go pick up Claire from the babysitters, and then we'll go home and cuddle, make dinner for her dad, and spend the evening as a family living our awesome life.

What's not to love about baby Spidey

Monday, October 29, 2012

The Boy/Girl Ratio

...in our house has evened out.  Dale got a dog. 

I didn't want a dog, don't even like them.  I never had them around as a kid and never subscribed to the whole "pet" theory.  Think about this for a second - they are animals that walk around outside (and in their own piss) with no shoes on, who are then allowed to walk all over your carpets, couches and in some cases, countertops (where food is prepared!) and pillows (EW!) like it's a normal thing.  And hey, I get that this is an accepted practice, I even sit on dog furniture without recoiling in disgust, but it's not for me.

DP on the other hand, has always had at least two animals.  When we got married was the first time he had not had a pet, and I know it bothered him.  Something always felt like it was missing, like his life was incomplete.  (Picture me rolling my eyes as I'm typing this nonsense.)

And I know I'm being totally judgy and weird about it, but look man, other people are judgy and weird about things that I find to be acceptable (hello I like never, ever wash my hair) so just relax.

Anyway, here is little DP3.  Or as the kids like to call him, Rex.

The mangy vermin

Can't get up the stairs - sucks for you!

I took him for a walk
Use your legs!

Claire doesn't like him either

And anyway, who just COMES HOME with a dog?!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Autumn Y'all

It's fall in Las Vegas. 

That means nothing other than I get in the car after work and blast my A/C, only to be half-way home and realize I'm still hot because the dial was set to "heat" from that morning. 

And it's so hard to dress the baby.  I put her in a hat, onesie, cardigan, pants, and socks.  By mid-morning, she's ditched it all and is in a onesie only.  If I go out, I can wrap a blanket around her in her carseat, but then when I take her out my tiny baby is a sweaty mess.  I almost can't wait for when it's cold all day around. 

Take 1: fall fashion shoot

Take 2: check out my socks
Take 3: much better

So on Thursday, I was feeling so shitty after work, that I picked up Claire and took her to Halloween Express for some retail therapy.  I didn't even have to browse the costumes, I just walked in there and went straight to Claire's costume.

My own little Spidey

And here are some random pictures from the rest of our fall weekend...

Cuddling on the couch

Hoody time

Going for a walk
Going out for lunch

Monday, October 22, 2012

2 Month Immunizations

I had been putting off Claire's 2 month doctor's appointment because I didn't want to get her vaccines.  Not because I'm one of those weirdos who are against vaccinations though, it's because I didn't want my baby to be hurt. 

So I finally took her and she got 5 immunizations in 3 shots.  I held her hands and she looked up at me smiling while the nurse injected Claire's thigh.  As soon as the medicine went in, Claire clutched my fingers and let out a blood-curdling scream.  Her little face turned red.  There were so many tears.

And so I cried.

The nurse was patting me, not the baby.

She seemed okay so I took her out to lunch.  A little cranky, but I knew that seeing her dad would make her happy, and it did.

Until we came home.  Then Claire cried for 45 minutes, while I just held her and walked back and forth in my living room. 

I had read horror stories of women with colicky newborns.  The women who shake their babies, or tell them to shut the f*ck up, or close the nursery door and turn up the music to drown out the crying.  And I thanked God I was so lucky to have such an even-tempered baby.  Then I experienced these shenanigans tonight and I just sympathized with all the women who do this day and day out.  And I feel so sorry for all the poor babies who cry and can't get comfort, because they can't say what they want, or because they go hungry, or because they are just criers.  It's the saddest, saddest thing in the world to see my baby hurting.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Office Space

It's day 3 of my first week back.  And I'm sick.  And it sucks.  So here's a completely uninspired recap to help me stay awake while I eat lunch.

Day 1
First day back and so happy it's a Tuesday.  Found out while I was on maternity leave that the library district isn't sustaining and we're closing an extra day/week.  So it sucks for socialism but is awesome for my 3-day weekends.  Anyway, so I said goodbye to my baby - who looked up and smiled at me when I put her in bed with her dad - and came to work.  I grabbed a coffee and drank it while it was still hot, actually waited for my bagel to toast all the way, and OMG GOT BACK ON FACEBOOK.  It was glorious.  All my coworkers said I look great and that Claire is so freaking cute.  I picked up the baby from Aunty Trish and she didn't even notice I was gone.  Spent the evening drinking wine.  Happy me.

Day 2
I think I have allergies.  Dale is home with Claire all day and I realize that at work, I'm actually expected to work, not just talk about Claire's tiny toes and the way she moves her head from side to side.  Go home to find the house is a mess, and baby is watching tv naked.  Wut?

Day 3
I'm sick.  Drop Claire off with Geena, race to the gas station for a coffee and meds, spill coffee all over the counter at 7-eleven, pop pills, and get to work 20 minutes late.  Forgot about the Board meeting.  Suffer through the longest morning of my life.

Glad tomorrow is Friday y'all.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Maternity Leave is Ovah

Tomorrow.  I have to go back to work.

And I've had a roller coaster of emotions about it. 

I wanted to go back.  I missed adult interaction and lunches and getting dressed and running into the gas station for a coffee without having to lug the carseat.

But then today, I haven't been able to put Claire down.  And everytime I think about leaving her, I get these weird wet things in my eyes.  I thought tearing up was a symptom of pregnancy.  I don't want to go to sleep tonight because I know I'll have to get up and leave my baby at home.

So in honour of the past 2+ months at home with Claire, here's a photo dump from of our life at home together...